When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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