Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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