Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
