We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
