I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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