Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
