I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
