'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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