I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Vodka?
Forever.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
