2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
