moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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