My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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