Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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