There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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