I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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