Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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