I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
