do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
