I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
