In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
