Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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