keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
