Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
