just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
