Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
