I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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