I want to walk on stilts...naked
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize