I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
