id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
