Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
