I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
