My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
