Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
