if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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