I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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