I want to make a zoo with you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
