Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
