I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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