Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
