If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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