nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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