I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
