i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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