It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
