So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
