my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
