Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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