fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
