It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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