I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
