I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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