i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
