i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
