i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
